Home Sweet Hurt

Motherhood feels like I’m running on empty every day; yet, I can’t remember a time my heart has felt fuller. Is parenthood about living in this tension of giving everything you have while simultaneously feeling like you’ve been given everything? The tantrums, the tears, the teething, when do you catch your breath? And yet, there’s that grin that melts you to the core, the “mama” muttered as you rock him before bed, the little mercies given every day that remind you of the blessing of this chaotic season you’re experiencing. And one day, he won’t reach for you to hold him, he won’t need your help brushing his teeth, he won’t come running to give you that bear hug for the fourteenth-millionth time that day. And when I feel like I have nothing left to give as I rock him before bed and my tank is on empty, I realize I have everything. Slowly, my tank begins to rise, topping off at full as I sleep.

I’ve never known that my heart could ache for what was, what is, and what is yet in one moment. Who knew your heart could break and burst simultaneously? As Caid laid his head on my chest today, I felt the embrace of his hug while also feeling the gentle kicks of his sibling growing inside my belly. Both of my babies in one embrace. I can only imagine the amount of exhaustion we’ll experience when this baby arrives next year, but I simply can’t imagine how much our love will grow. Grateful seasons come and go, and that sleep deprivation (Lord willing) doesn’t last forever. And yes, the physical exhaustion of sleepless nights and temper tantrums slowly evolve into other types of exhaustion in parenthood. But what a joy it is to watch your children grow, learn, and understand through these seasons. Thank you, Lord, for the privilege of raising these children. Even on the days when we crawl into bed after a day of dirty diapers and endless cries, especially on those days, may I never forget what a blessing it is to be their mother.